Dew by Design.

So my ten year class reunion is in two months. I have not settled on a feeling about this yet. I wanna say I don’t care about any of these people but quite frankly if that were true, I wouldn’t be going.

Although the ones I like most I already talk too, there are a couple I’m curious about. I wanna see where people ended up, see how they’re doing, see how life looks on them as adults. But that word is the problem. Adults. I knew these people as a child. I did not so nice things to some of them and I don’t have enough sense to feel apologetic. But, have they grown enough to let it go? Will we walk into this thing still looking at each other as the eighteen year olds we were ten years ago?

Probably. I can think of a theory of knowledge class sitting at my desk doing a poor job of minding my own business when my arch-nemisis told the class I had no morals. Mind you this was only weeks after sporting around a positive pregnancy test in her purse to prove to these numskulls she was really pregnant. And quite frankly a part of me is still a little bitter. Not bitter enough to be hostile but bitter enough to still remember.

Children make mistakes. Unfortunately the mistakes of children can gravely effect the identity of forming adults. A part of me still wants to know what did I do that brought such a mind to such a far-left conclusion. But the majority of me says fuck it. One person’s opinion has never made me or broke me, let it go.

High School was great. I can not recite the table of elements in alphabetical order but I can tell you the best way to skip fourth period and not get caught. (Seriously, how did we graduate?) Drama is a part of growing up. The main lesson you should learn from it is how to stay clear of it; more importantly how to identify and separate.

I wasn’t perfect. And given I had more responsibility than most my age, I still found time to doddle in childlike issues. Now I can look back at the days and reminisce instead of finding lingering remnants of my present.

Hopefully we are all far removed. Hopefully we take this opportunity to reunite and learn each other as adults. See each other in a more constructive light and rejoice in how far we’ve come.

If not, at least I get to beat them at spades one more time.

Da Evil Won.

Now Live AD

Reflecting on a few years back.

 

After the Fight

I can barely sleep

With discontent on my heart

With you on my mind

Guilt in the air

And fault roaming the streets blind

 

Tossing with every other breath

Counting the seconds

Between thoughts of you

Waiting to start

 

Turning over intentions

Flipping through reasons

Not to call you

 

I wonder are you thinking of me

 

Seeing the look on your heart

When my words slapped you in the face

Watching you swallow the sword

That cut every inch of me away from you

 

Rehearsing my apology

That will never see life

Inhaling fear filled air

Polluting my thoughts

With forgive-me-nots

 

I wonder are you thinking of me

 

My dreams of us

Are turning into nightmares of I

-N-C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-and

 

Now I can’t breathe

 

I’m gasping for air

I need your hand

To put out this fire

That’s raging in my soul

 

We were too close together

To be this far apart

And without you I am suffering

 

3^rd degree burns to my pride

2^nd degree assault on my conscience

And you have been found guilty

On 1 count of breaking my heart

AGAIN

 

These white walls

All show me you

On different days

In different styles

 

I can almost taste you in the air

I can feel your fingerprints on my skin

I can smell your disgust a mile away

And not even my dreams

Can tell me what good this life would be

Without you

 

I wonder are you thinking of me

Because I can not think of anything else

But you

 

© Dew 2002
**************************************************

Still reflecting…

Life Before You

There were…
No tears

No confusion
There was acceptance of who I was
And what I was notUntil I met you

 

Forgot to be comfortable with myself

I became addicted to your words of encouragement

Became intoxicated with your touch

Your smile

Your way of leading me not to care

For anything but you

 

Had to be reminded

There was life before you

 

Of course you never requested that I put you first

You only implied

And I can’t blame you

I can only move on

 

Separating myself from thoughts of you

Picking up the pieces

Putting away the toys

We once enjoyed

Mainly pieces of my broken heart

Parts of a friendship gone cold

 

Remembering to place my faith back in God

 

Focusing once again on who it was I aimed to be

Concentrating on loving me again

Taking road trips within myself

To regain the confidence you broke

 

Breaking away

 

Back to peace

Back to understanding

 

Life before you became that apple

The windows to my soul craved

 

There was life before you

And even though without you

I thought apart of me died

 

There will be life after you

Little did I know

The heart of me survived

 

Revived with words of hope

From those around me

Who wanted to see me cope

 

And I’ll always remember you

The good and the bad

 

It’s just sad

We could not catch common ground

 

Though today I sit wound

In a lesson

That I owe all to strife

 

But never again

No not ever again

Will I put you before life© Dew 2002

************************************************

 

The worse feeling is to feel completely overlooked by someone who you have invested so much emotion into. That’s when the helplessness sets in. That’s when its time to do some self-evaluating. Know who you are and what you have to offer. If you recognize things that are not appealing make the decision to change them or accept them. Then move on. 

I’m one to talk, I know, but not being with the person who has my heart doesn’t really make me sad anymore. I use that emotion as inspiration. I’ll stop rambling now. I think you get the point.