Dew by Design.

At the moment I somewhat resent the idea of forgiveness. Really I resent it completely but I didn’t want the people who may read this to judge my bitterness too harshly. But, I’m too stupid to really care about judgment so there’s my truth. Fuck forgiveness.

At least, that’s how I feel right now. And, while I understand that for me that resentment will wane and I will open my mind and heart to the light of forgiveness, right now the concept is dredged in misunderstanding and mistrust.

Yes I will at least talk to you now but I haven’t reconciled the true reasons as to why I am doing so. Am I looking for ammunition or the past. Neither are healthy to move forward and both are detrimental to forgiving you.

I know I will, in time, move from the negative emotions constantly resurfacing in me today. As of yet, though, I have not. My eyes still look for the cracks in your story and my mind replays the 10 different scenarios that could all be the truth, all of which or not the story coming 0ut of your mouth.

God said it was okay to be your friend. So, I’m listening. I’m praying in very short syncopated breaths that he touches the hard shell that has become my heart and loosen the muscle. Unclench the tight ball it is now wrapped into so hate won’t settle and lock out forgiveness. All the while, weakening me for an attack by the enemy. Because that’s what this is really about. Another way to take out a soldier. Emotional warfare. the ties that bind. Who needs anthrax when you could send an envelope full of love through the mail. Hand delivered.

I’m stronger than this. I’m stronger than the force out to take me down. I’m stronger than your lies. I’m stronger than the hate that is trying to suffocate me. I’m stronger than failure and I’m stronger than any plot against me to see me be anything other than me. So I will forgive you. Selfishly because it’s in my self- interest to do so. Realistically because that is who I am. And no one, not even you, will make me be anything otherwise.

Amen.

This weekend my good buddy William set out to break the biblical spell I am under. Here’s a small piece of advice, if you are planning to break someone from under a spell, first have a clear understanding of the spell they are under first. 

I mean I get it. he learned someting different and he wanted to share it. Cool. My problem comes in with the technique used to proselytize. Do not denounce the Bible to tell me about the lies white men have forced upon me while using the Bible to prove it. Read it twice. It still won’t make sense. 

William is no where close to the only person who has told me Christianity is a lie and the Bible can’t be trusted. That would probably be more affective to an actual Christian, at least in the traditional sense. I believe in a savior, ot necessarily in the literal sense, I believe in a God, the God, whichever variation works for you. I do not believe in denomination and while the Bible is excellent testimony of early civilization, I do not believe in the literal significance. 

Having said all that he was failed mission to begin with. Now from what I gether he was set on proving that the early egyptians being one of the first and the highly advanced in knowledge was actually the promised people and the stories of the bible were written on the walls of the pyramiads thousands of years before adam and eve. Yay for them. His argument was that nothing in the bible could be proven but he could put his hands on the pyramids thereby proving gods walked the earth (literally) amongst the egyptians. Again, yay for them. 

Not once did I tell him he was wrong, because quite frankly I don’t know. And even more to the point I don’t care. It’s up to William to find the belief system that will guide his life. I’ve found mine and my faith is strong enough that I have these conversations, it seems, on a regular basis and they are quite entertaining and even more informing but do nothing to waver my beliefs. 

Its just funny to me that all the people I talk who have problems specifically with Christianity have more hatred for the Chrisians themselves than the actual religion. 

Interesting.