iamdew

I’m sick of hearing poets talk about their feelings
Everything is so emotional
How to feel better
why you feel worse
When to feel guilt
When to feel
feel
feel
Numb
like nothing
like words with no definition
just written to look good on the page

I need a break
(comma)
A pause
from all the interpretation
spreading
moving away from the point
The end
I just need to be
Begin or end
I don’t need to know
I lost my concern
when forward slash
forward slash
I (dot) came
and you
left me in a sub-folder
marked History

And the pain continues
I call myself ellipsys
misspelled
write me back
correct me
give me something
to look forward to
give me a reason to move beyond
this stanza

I asked for a pen
so I could end this life
this loneliness that coincides
my regret
but all I have is a page full of poems
and feelings that I keep balling up
into wads of paper
throwing in a trash can
only to look in a mirror
and have them reappear

Fuck yo feelings
poetry is a joke
I don’t need to be another punchline
I refuse to be a spoken word
Gone
Inspiration to a clown
audience full of agreers
Like they know this pain
like they knew your love
Like they understand this hell
Like this bleeding maleficence
isn’t dehydrating my soul
Like I don’t already live within
an end that no period could punctuate
Like I have anywhere to go
but away
you took my up
you took my tomorrow
You took my ability to feel

And with this
Love
possessive in nature
desperate in its attempts
to make us do the exact opposite of what we feel
Commit when we lust
Lust when we covet
Covet when we tire
tire when settle
settle when we commit
It is with this
Love
that I leave you
The way you came
Open to opportunity
Fixed in my gaze
Wrapped in my feelings
Never again will I need either of you
And ever again will I remain …

©2010 Dew

Solitude – Coming Soon

I feel so much anger right now. Mistrust. Or distrust. I feel lied to and settled-for. I know what spawned this but I won’t dredge that up. Suffice it to say I have neglect issues. Abandonment issues. 

Everything pisses me off right now. I hear special ringtones and I see myself throwing the fucking phone in the middle of the street. I just wanna close off.

While having  conversation about one person, I stood outside of myself and watched rant on indirectly about everything thats raging internally.

How do you get angry at someone who is trying?

I know why my mom treats me the way she does. She knows how he ended up. She doesn’t want to see the same for me.

Neither do I.

I work so hard to control the rage until I think that people are fooled into believing it doesn’t exist.

I think my presence is just as much a curse as a blessing.

I want my life. I’ve worked hard to want my life. I’ve made it this far.

And still it isn’t enough.

I know my flaws. Actual and almost. I want to improve as a person.

I want to continue to get better.

I want to trust and love and understand.

But today I am exhausted. And the emotional fight to believe in people and believe in intentions and well-meanings has tired me out.

Today discontent wins.

I am exhausted.